Ordinary Visionary

The Five Love Languages

Two days ago I finished listening to Dr. Gary Chapman's The Five Love Languages¹. Oddly enough, I have used the love language phraseology for many months, ever since it surfaced in discussions that took place in my Captivating group. And, thinking back on those discussions (the ones that took place pre-Vance) I get the feeling that my love languages have shifted somewhat in priority since then.

Dr. Chapman asserts that we all receive love best in some particular way — physical touch, quality time, words of affirmation, gifts, or acts of service. We all may receive love to some degree via all of the five languages, but our needs and desires tend to cluster around one or two of them.

When Vance and I started dating, and even a bit before, he began doing the strangest things — things no man I had ever dated ever offered or took action to do. He helped me prepare meals, do the dishes, walk the dog, and eventually he just started doing my laundry, cleaning up around the house, cleaning my car and scrubbing the tub. Ever since I had heard of the five love languages I was sure that my primary language was quality time, but suddenly in the midst of "inloveness" I found myself filled with joy over a man who would make my bed even though he didn't get to sleep in it. A man who would drive to my house once a week to walk the dog, just so I could spend more quality time with the women in my life.

As a child, I don't believe that my love language was the same as it is now. Dr. Chapman describes a very different picture of the child whose love language is acts of service. I don't remember regularly thanking my dad for doing my laundry or my mom for sewing on hundreds of pointe shoe ribbons. Instead I gave great thanks for the gifts I received, taking great care to provide my Cabbage Patch dolls and Barbies with a proper education.² But now, gifts mean much less to me than the incredible act of love that serving really is.

Even still, I'm not convinced that I receive love from my parents via the same language that I received love from Vance. When I have the opportunity to spend time with my parents, I don't want them to go around doing things for me; I just want them to spend quality time with me. No television, no movies… Just good quality time.³ And so one of the questions I am still left with after listening to the book a second time over the past couple of days is: Can our love language differ from childhood to adulthood, or even from relationship to relationship at a single point in time?

Here's another thing that's been getting to me. In the book, Dr. Chapman states that the way we behave before marriage is "no indication of" the way we will behave after we are married. No indication? Is this even plausible?

I understand the natural high we experience at the height of the "in love experience," as he puts it. I also believe that given the events of the past few months and the deep relational, intellectual and spiritual growth that we have experienced as a result, that "the height of the in love experience" has almost certainly passed. Don't get me wrong — we are still very much in love — but the sense that the other person can do us no wrong, or that loving one another will always be natural and easy, has long since gone away. But here we are, still Jamie and Vance, and still very much ourselves. I remain feisty, strong, independent, a stickler for grammar, etc. And he remains incredibly loving and thoughtful, an artist, a servant, and even a bit of a nerd at heart. It's confusing to think that according to Dr. Chapman the two of us will suddenly morph into something else after we are married, when we have been through such highs and lows and managed to maintain our identities thus far.

I suppose those are the biggest philosophical questions I am left with after going through the book. My questions aside, The Five Love Languages has so much to offer for those who have no idea what love languages are or how an understanding of them could dramatically improve their relationship.

¹ I purchased the audiobook because as a part of our marriage counseling in West Palm Beach we received one copy of the book, which Vance was happy to keep. We listened to much of the book together on our last drive to and from WPB, pausing to talk about key issues along the way.

² You read it correctly — I regularly educated my dolls, giving them each a Highlights magazine to read and hand-copying quizzes and tests for them to complete. One of my grandfather's favorite memories of my childhood seems to be when we were together in K.B. Toys and I was picking out new school supplies for Curly since his were tragically stolen from his locker.

³ Granted, quality time is right up there with acts of service as my primary love language, but the difference is still there when it comes to receiving love from Vance versus receiving love from my parents.

Le Update

It has been weeks since I've written anything here and it hasn't been for lack of thought or imagination but for lack of time. Ever since Vance and I got engaged life has been going non-stop, and so tonight I'm taking advantage of my unusual alertness in order to catch my blog up to my life…

The past couple of months have been extremely cleansing for both Vance and me. I described it to Jenn earlier as a "stirring up of dust" in our lives, and while it has been exceedingly difficult at times I truly feel that it is leading us both in a positive direction and that we are becoming stronger for having been through it. We are learning to talk openly about real issues, to fight for one another, and to love one another through things. How blessed are we to begin learning these lessons before we are even married.

In the midst of all of the dust-stirring was a flurry of wedding planning activity — everything from tasting what our guests will be served at the reception (it's going to be so good) to asking close friends and relatives to join our wedding party to choosing the most incredible dress I will ever wear… Luckily, I think we're through the worst of it and we can just have fun planning the little details from this point forward.

Speaking of the wedding, our photographer, Joriann, spent the better part of last saturday with us in West Palm Beach shooting our engagement photos. She gave us a sneek peak of some of the frames and I am absolutely thrilled. Until I found her, I feared that we'd end up spending hundreds of dollars on a photographer who would give us pictures that would sit in a lonely album collecting dust until a major anniversary or family reunion. But this woman shoots art, and is a ton of fun to work with.

All of my closest friends here are out of the country, from China to Europe. I'm praying unceasingly that they are being used as a light to the people they encounter, and that they will return home safely soon.

I've left my job as the marketing administrator for STATUS, which stings for the moment but will ultimately be the best thing. Development has started for the next release of PayPerPost.com, which promises to be the largest scale, most challenging project I have ever worked on. It's cool — really cool. But it's daunting at the same time to think of how much work needs to be done in the coming weeks.

As busy as I've been, I have still been blessed with solitude and a heightened awareness of downtime. It hits me every so often when my mind shakes off the day that this is a moment I have to myself. It's amazing how much more reading and writing and praying I get done when I realize that I have a moment to rest, un-accounted-for time I can fill with whatever fills me.

And I think that about brings you to tonight, having worked out and changed into pajamas, fed the dog and eaten trail mix for dinner, poured myself a glass of milk and sat down at the table with one foot up in the chair… This is a moment I have to myself.