You can stop rubbing your eyes now… Indeed the site design HAS changed. I've de-cluttered my blog. Nothing fancy, nothing to write home about. Just words on a page. That's all you really came for anyway. And at last, there are new words to fill this space…
I've spent the last few weeks engaging in conversation rather than writing here, which is made abundantly clear by the fact that today is the first day this month you can click on the magical sidebar calendar to read a day's posts. During this time I've had at least a dozen caramel macchiatos and read a few books, intermittently conversing with men and women about things big and small, eternal and inconsequential.
I've tried to wrap my mind around the definition of infinity and how it explains the finite nature of the universe. I've contemplated the first and second laws of thermodynamics in my effort to put abstract ideas into something more concrete and dare I say "scientific."
I've talked about patience, and how God has grown me in that area when I never asked for it. How he keeps saying "wait" when all I want is to move on.
I've been quick to anger at least once.
I've been searching, seeking, listening, writing, contemplating, speaking occasionally, and asking questions more.
And while I've been growing through all of this, I've also been regressing in a way.
My Thursday night Captivating group has become the center of my weeks. It has changed my life in some substantial ways, most importantly my comfort level with women, but there are some other areas tackled during the past few months about which I still have unanswered questions.
Tonight I'll continue with a series I started several months ago called Discovering My Femininity by discussing one of those areas in as much detail as is possible at 2am. Here goes…
"Redeemed Eve" is X, Y, and Z. (And she's definitely not A, B, or C.)
There are some things which cannot be confined to a list of bullet points, and a woman's essence is one of them. Donald Miller talks about "bullet point Christianity" in a couple of his books, referring to the sort of formulaic approach to religion that (I presume) is the result of some combination of PowerPoint-style presentation software and the lackluster response of the masses to being challenged to think critically. We can try to box God into our terms all we want, but at the end of the day it's not going to make Him any less complex.
Same for Eve. She's beautiful and (for lack of a better word) delicate, yet somehow at the same time passionate and complex and uniquely gifted. Let's not forget that she, too, is an image bearer.
Becoming the woman God created me to be doesn't mean finding my identity somewhere in a list of bullet points or accepting someone else's idea of Godly femininity. It means listening — really listening — to what God has to say about who I am, and then clothing myself in that truth.
So I had to answer the question for myself: what are my defining qualities?
I am feisty, determined, analytical, independent, intelligent, and fascinated by other people's minds. I long to rescue those in need, to uncover and discern truth, and to stand up for anything or anyone deserving of such boldness. I am uniquely feminine. These are powerful gifts. To use the metaphor of the potter, they are the etchings in the piece of pottery that is me. They are specifically carved into my personality, and are not a product of mere circumstance.
The truth I got from Captivating is that we are to be careful with how we use the gifts we've been given. We need to seek out and uncover the beneficial qualities buried under years of baggage in order to become "more fully alive," and with those qualities will come the radiant beauty God infused into Eve from her first day.
Redefining and reclaiming beauty. That's what my present journey is all about. Not the superficial, Westernized version of beauty we buy at Macy's, but the kind of beauty that can only come from the One who lovingly formed us with a purpose in mind.
The gifts God has given me may not resonate with the idea of the soft, radiant beauty described in Captivating. But alas, they are a part of my essence, and He would not have etched those qualities into my personality without a purpose…
I'm taking back the word 'tool.' You're a tool. I'm a tool. And I think it's nothing short of fantastic.