“ Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.
— Proverbs 3:5Â (King James Version)”
Response
When I was eight years old I started going to ballet auditions, first for the dance company at my studio and then for three- to six-week summer programs around the US. Every year we would pick up the January issue of Dance Magazine and sift through the ads for the various dance schools and pick which ones I'd audition for that year.
There were certain schools I'd tack onto the list that were the dance equivalent of the college "reach school" — the one you were pretty sure wouldn't accept you but you sent an application to anyway. I would go to these auditions knowing that they wouldn't take me, just to take an incredible master class. I was free to dance my heart out because it didn't matter what the judges wrote on their score sheet — all that mattered was that I was doing something I loved.
That outlook saved me from a lot of heartache when I was a kid, and as I got older it became my safety zone. The expectation of defeat was a place I could hide in when I was sure that if I didn't do well enough I would be disappointed in myself. And it has poured into other areas of my life.
Exams, job interviews, credit applications, even new relationships. I expect defeat, so there is only room to go up from there. All I can be is surprised and delighted, or get exactly what I expected, which hurts less than the disappointment of rejection.
I've told my good friend Jenn about this spirit of defeat I've had for so many years and she thinks it's awesome. It seems so freeing, being able to go into rough situations without the fear of disappointment. I can be myself — laugh, stick chopsticks up my nose, trip and fall, dance my heart out — without the pressure of wondering what someone else thinks of me in that moment.
Incredible.
But it's such a lie. I'm finding out that my ingenious plan to stave off feelings of rejection is really just a refusal to trust God. I keep armed guards like the Spirit of Defeat around my heart, when God is the only One whom I should trust enough to guard my heart.
Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.
I am firing the guards I've employed for so long, before I become hardened not only to the possibility of letting someone in, but to letting God in.